Book Excerpt: The Homeschoolers: The Ballad of Squirtina

I'm pleased to present this excerpt from The Homeschoolers: The Ballad of Squirtina by Henry Circle, a funny, young adult adventure novel.  Enjoy!

Plot Summary:

"Life is too big to squeeze into a weekend." That's what "half-heathen" public school misfit, Christina Begoni, learns after a bout of Spanish class diarrhea has her escaping into the arms of a holy-rolling homeschool group. With her mustachioed, evil genius brother and cute redneck bully in tow, Christina joins innocent homeschoolers, Sunny and David on a hilarious and often gripping adventure on the Mississippi River. Experience the thrill and romance of the never-ending weekend with The Homeschoolers.

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Book Excerpt:

“Mama and Daddy should have called the police to come search for us by now. Really. They might have been pissed, sitting around, just waiting to ground us when it first got dark, but by now, they have to be having full blown anxiety. So, where are the rescue helicopters and the Red Cross volunteers with food and blankets?” I moan. “Why is no one looking for us? That’s messed up.”

“The liberal-run government has spent up all the funds on arts and other dumb junk that should be going to law enforcement,” Kip grumbles.

“Shut up, Kip,” I say. I am in no mood for his political ramblings and conspiracy theories.

“Sorry. I get ultra-right wing when I'm hungry,” he admits.

David says with a full mouth, “I know, I'm so hungry I'm gathering dewberries over here. And they are a little past their peak.”

I grab one out of his hand, “Um, David. It's dark out here. How do you know these are dewberries and not some kind of poisonous berries?”

“Me and Sunny pick these all the time around the farm.”

Holding the black-colored berry up for an examination by moonlight, I inform him, “This berry has some kind of white powder all over it. And you're not even pulling them off the vine; you're eating them off the ground. You're not supposed to do that, you know. Those aren't any good.”

Steadily, David munches them, with a goofy grin on his face. “The first few tasted awful, but the more I eat, the better they start tasting. Here, try one,” he says pushing the berry under my nose.

I yell, “That thing is covered in white fuzz, and it smells funky. If you want to end up with a killer stomach ache that's your business, but my recommendation is that you not eat another one of the disgusting things.”

He pops the rancid berry into his mouth. “I do feel kind of funny, now that you mention it. Like a little dizzy and stuff. These are dewberries, right?” he asks, holding a few out to Sunny and Ricky for inspection.

“Oh man,” Ricky laughs, sniffing the oozing clumps David places in his palm. “Well, the good news is they are dewberries, but they're majorly rotten. What you call it? Fermented! You gone end up with the runs or half-drunk or both.”

David takes the fruit out of Ricky's hand and says, “I should probably stop eating them.” He gobbles up three more berries.

“David, stop!” Sunny commands.

He picks up a squishy handful of berries, covered in dust and leaves from the ground. “I'm trying to,” he says with a grin, shoving the berries in his mouth. His head is bobbing slightly from side to side. “They're just so good,” he adds. He sloppily reaches for another over-ripe berry, but I hold his arm back softly.

“Okay, that's enough. As much as I'd like to see you wasted, this is probably not the time or place for your introduction to alcohol consumption,” I tell him.

“You use big words,” he giggles. “And you watch too much television, but you're pretty.”

“Thanks.”

“Heck, I'm getting so bored just sitting here waiting, I'm gone eat some berries and get tore up, too. This is why school ain't for me. I can't stand not doing something.” Ricky is shaking his foot excitedly and twitching his shoulders.

“If you tried actually listening during your lessons, you might enjoy it. Do you have add?” Sunny asks.

Ricky asks, “Do I have add? No, I ain't got add or subtract or multiply. What are you talking about, add?”

“You know the disorder where kids have trouble concentrating,” she explains.

I suppress a giggle and manage to say with a straight face, “She means ADD, I think. Attention Deficit Disorder.”

David pats my head. “You're so smart, Christina. Can I lay my head on your boobs?”

“No. Well, maybe later,” I say, smiling. I have to admit, I like Drunk David. I know this is a Haley's comet situation, a once in a lifetime event. I'll be waiting another 75 years before I ever see this boy boozed up again.